Between two Heavenly Bodies
by TrekDr
Summary: After Voyager crashes through into the alpha quadrant, chakotay realises he now has a choice: commit to the new start with Seven, or return to his great love for Kathryn. His heart has been caged so long can he really make the choice? Meanwhile, the captain walks the ship and gets ready for a party expecting him at her side. [not my characs, not for profit] C/7 or J . apres endgame
1. Chapter 1

_I needed to give Chakotay a voice too, to fit with my endgame fix main story 'coming home with you' s/12310181/3/Coming-Home-with-You . However, I needed to see where the story was going to be able to voice his dilemma and difficulty. I have found this harder to do, partly as his characterisation is not so fleshed out in the Voyager series, so reviews would be helpful._

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Today is proving to be … unsettling. Least of all has been the physical entrance into the alpha quadrant, it is more the emotional turmoil of being at the end of a journey that I had gradually given up seeing the finish, the goal I finally lost sight of. I believe that I truly wanted us to fail, so that I didn't have to face this moment of ashes, made worse by my piecemeal knowledge of the alternate timeline, where I ruin at least three lives. Where Kathryn sacrifices her happiness for mine, and I wanted her to and accepted it. I pace around in my mind, a predator caged, waiting. Everything has changed. Since the admiral came I have known no peace. It is as my inner world has metamorphosed into a volcanic land, full of contrasts of ice and fire, with the ground uncertain below my feet. In my head, I am pacing, and the pads of my four feet are no longer sure of where they walk. I am no longer tethered to security of my dreamspace. If I am truthful, and I am trying not to be and realise I have tried not to be for some time now, my uncertainty has been nagging for longer. I have mis-stepped, I have purposely ignored my way and let a selfish desire for satisfaction in the present take me from my true path. Once the admiral came, I could no longer carry on blindly deluding myself, whichever outcome came. So I pace, hoping that I can tether my options together, bind them in a future where I am true to myself. I am unused to such uncertainty. Internally, I laugh wryly at myself, for the last seven years have always been uncertain in life or death, but not for the essential me. I have had peace subjugating my prideful nature to another's call, loping down Voyagers corridors, a cross the delta quadrant stars, following a spirt formed out of fire. Now I wonder if I have lost myself in that subjugation, and whether I can return to claim my individuality, or whether I lost myself when I strayed from that predestined path. Whilst my surface appears calm, inside my mind all is torment and tangle. I have a path to re-find.

I am trapped between two different gravitational pulls: one farther away and like a black hole, where I cannot see beyond the event horizon, one that I have felt for seven long years without knowing whether I will ever get to see beyond; the other very recent, closer, less powerful, but present and a safe landing – a small satellite or station, where I can see stability. I have wanted this safety and consistency, I had become adjusted to the safety, knowing the singularity was always there to admire and love at a distance, untouchable and unknowable, at enough distance to ignore the siren call. Oh, but how desirable. We both knew that to act on our feelings could well have unbalanced everything, risked the safety of those we vowed to serve, distracted us when all our concentration was required. I may have weakened, but she has been adamant, obdurate and constant. She had made a promise as penance for her decision, and nothing could take priority over its delivery. It was enough for years to know the potential was there, ready to be unleased when we were finally free, until my need for a safe haven and family tugged me away from that vista, until I thought I had seen her love elsewhere and suddenly fate presented an alternative. I let my mind and heart be seduced by this and freely and willingly followed the call, distancing myself from grand passion, turning my face from it, refusing to see, feel or hear. In doing so, I broke a promise that was central to who I am. Yet, I am still seduced by that need. Now, now I have also lost the balance between the two, and as if in a gravitational eddy, I oscillate wildly between. I know that I am going to have to make a choice and lose one. I am padding, trapped in the cage in my mind, a cage of my own creation. I know how to break free, but do I still have that bravery.

Seeing and hearing again, silent witness in her ready room to her discussion with Admiral Paris, she delivers us home, and yet goes on to barter everything she has wanted against our individual freedoms, she is as magnificent and irresistible as any force of nature, and I am humbled. For the last seven years she has put all the crew in front of everything else, and even now she risks her own future to guarantee ours by a show of power, holding voyager itself to ransom. If I am surprised, who has watched her turn into this captain of power over seven years, I can't imagine what Admiral Paris is thinking. I grin with both pride, and also the pleasure of the thorn she will be to the admiralty. If I am surprised by her planning to adopt Icheb, I quickly realise that the rainchecks I gave her, she was bound to fill elsewhere, and I am suddenly relieved that it was with Icheb rather than a new best friend, or alone.

At her request, I craft a gift for voyager and crew, a celebration, but truly it is for her and made with love. It is a voyager shaped pin, with the motto "For I dipt in to the future, far as human eye could see; Saw the vision of the world, and all the wonder that would be." very finely written in a spiral on the front, and on the reverse, it will have the name and rank and position of each crew member. It may well be my last gift ever that Kathryn will accept from me and I have poured my heart into it. I pin it to her with pride for her achievement, her accomplishments and for being part of this. And when she is in my arms, thankful, and the scent of her fills my nostrils, when I feel the true softness of her within her hard carapace camouflage of captain, then I know all hopes of safety elsewhere is a delusion and I am bonded unbreakably to this woman. I wipe tears from her face and she clings to me, and I know that we could throw all caution to the winds and finally leap from this barren precipice into the maelstrom together. I cannot tell if she whispers she loves me, or whether that is the seductive delusion of my own minds devising. I brush my lips across her hair feeling worlds stilling and time pausing before with a rush all of space and time returns, and she steps back into reality. She sucks with her a piece more of me than she had before. More and more of me has been sucked in bringing me inexorably to the event horizon. if I let this happen, who will I be?

Spirits, she has been successful, and the admiralty have freed and retained all the maquis and equinox crew. She has ensured safety for Seven, Icheb and the doctor, all through her nerves of steel and ability to take negotiation to the very wire. She is a captain to make us all proud. My PADD is going crazy with reuqests for information, and I reassure privately and generally, suggesting everyone waits for an announcement, when has the captain ever let us down. She is our leader, our strength, our trust is implicit. Together we are the glue that binds this voyager family together.

She finishes talking to the admiral and I am amazed by my audacity, as I have captured her in my arms, swung her as I wanted to for many years when I imagined us reaching earth. It is an expression of unadulterated joy. Swung her as I failed to do, when instead I was at Seven's side. Swung her as I wished it was me as I had watched jealously as Harry – Harry! – did just that as she thanked us all on the bridge. I think that moment was my true wake up call. I am not sure quite how my daydreaming and sleepwalking has got me into this precarious position, or how I am going to safely extricate myself. But for now, I am swinging Kathryn in my arms laughing with her that she has cowed the admiralty, through Owen Paris, into confirming the maquis are free. I think that when I place her down, I might try for a kiss, on the cheek? On the lips? My senses are overwhelmed with Kathryn. Spirits, I have been such a fool to think that I could ever live fully without this woman by my side, the padded animal in my mindscape growls, and eyes the cage menacingly. I start to bend down towards her, pulled towards the singularity.

And at that moment of revelation, I look up and see Seven. It all comes crashing down again. I am caught between past and present, and unable to look at the future. Kathryn twirls out of my arms, and it feel as if it is out of my life, my orbit, my possibilities. Her vibrancy fires me, and I look at Seven, icily collected and wonder what fire my lie at her core for me to explore. Her words, though, act more like cold water after a prize fight, did she really consider me a criminal? Is motherhood so far from her desires? Have I misread my hopes in this relationship for stability, family, pride? Without voyager, what do we share?

I fail to talk to Kathryn, meeting only the Captain. After a pause, I return to the bridge and distract myself with last running orders, reassuring all the more easily worried members of our crew. I programme in all the pins for the places we will stop and present them to the crew. I Ok the holoimagers and recorders along the planned route with Tuvok, trying not to read too much in the elevation of his eyebrow and questing gaze. He has always seen too much.

Seven does not communicate and I reflect on the simple nature of our dating so far, our interactions limited still to either crew based level, or the four dates we shared, but nothing inbetween. I compare this with the near flirtatious, nature of our near permanent encrypted messages between the command team that has persisted through the seven years. I should not compare, it is not fair. I know that there is only one of them that … I let the thought trail off and busy myself with the organisation of the crew, preparing to leave, packing, writing the final reports. I have also learnt how to sublimate emotional excess into duty. In my head, though, there is still the relentless padding of my caged soul, I feel each footfall with the beat of my heart.

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We begin the tour of the ship with a visit to sickbay to see B'Elanna and her baby, then we will progress round to give thanks to all in Voyager and deliver our own voyager medals. Whilst Kathryn has rubbed off on me, I see the reverse has happened too. She has the spirit of us all and Voyager in mind whilst we do this. She is still weaving our threads together, a close family that the newly changed future will not dismay. When I watch her, I am at peace.

However, when we speak, then all that has been and not been between us rises up and chokes my words. So, when in the turbolift she tells me she wants to talk and make sense of our seven year relationship, neatly package it up no doubt, and stuff it in a cargo box with all my hopes and dreams, I respond through my self-enforced cage of bitterness. She is right, we do need to talk, but in her determined eyes, I see her decision still based on self sacrifice and I am angry, so angry that as soon as the turbolift doors open I stalk ahead of her to sick bay. Be damned with her blasted protocols, she can follow me for a change. The anger is quick to leave as I hear her near running behind me to keep up, so when she stops, I stop, and when in her eyes she is begging forgiveness and a truce I let it go. I realise that much of my anger is due to shame at my lack of honesty to two women who matter to me, and honesty to myself. She is right, before I can move on, can sort out this tangle, I need to talk honestly to her first. I need to be honest with them both and I have no idea where that starts or ends.

All thought is driven from my head though as we hear the loud wailing of a child, a clearly Klingon child, and I am sure the world is aware that a warrior has been born! Miral, daughter of B'Elanna, daughter of Miral. The last baby to be born on Voyager on this journey. As I think this, the image of a chubby boy of my colouring comes into my head, the child of my heart and my dreams. As I look at Kathryn holding Miral, my eyes see only the child that we haven't had, that we may now never have in her arms. When I take the/our baby from her, our touch resonates with this potential that we had and is currently lost. This baby that between us we have contrived to deny. I hug Miral close to me and let my tears drop onto her soft fuzz of hair, and whisper the traditional blessing of new life into the tribe. New life that I currently feel I will never engender. Oh spirits, Please, I am a poor mockery of the man I should be, the only crewmember to return diminished in their eyes rather than enhanced. Let me have hope for the future, hope for a new life.

I suddenly hear Kathryn bidding to be godparent and I look up outraged! Surely B'Elanna, my little sister will allow me this role, that Miral will be part of my tribe too. I am not disappointed, B'Elanna has us both and the doctor as godparents. Whilst Kathryn distracts the doctor, I talk to B'Elanna about a traditional ceremony I would like to perform to welcome Miral both to the Voyager tribe and then to my own. I get agreement that this can be in the early part of this evening's festivities, and PADD Chell to tell him of the extra toast to be made, and Harry so that he is aware of a transient change in programme for my blessing. I am so proud of B'Elanna and the person she has become, blending her fearsome Klingon warrior strength with her intelligence and human compassion. We joke and laugh at how I never imagined to be sitting with her on a Starfleet ship as commander and chief engineer and holding her baby. At a gentle snort from Tom, I turn and congratulate him too. We have long recovered from our initial animosity. Kathryn's first reclamation project is an unmitigated success. I clap him on the back, and suggest that we wet the babies head at the first moment available to us, another traditional custom I tell an unbelieving B'Elanna. I will always be available for them, I promise.

I notice Kathryn has been gone with the doctor for a while, and as if she is also aware of how long she can be out of vision before I worry, reappears. 'Its nothing', she says, 'temporal migraine' . I let it go, but she must be lying as she never admits to anything. I would question more, but Naomi, Voyagers firstborn, and Sam join us and w start the image-for-posterity merry go round, and the captain is in organising mode. Time to present some medals. As I get the medals, and hear the bravery in Kathryn's voice when she is congratulated on her motherhood, I realise that the chubby baby may not only have been in my mind all these years. I can feel the wind is changing, my mind drifts free nd the cage expands, and all I see as I hand medals pins to the captain are her delicate fingers, pinning them to chests, delicate fingers that I want to hold in my hands, that I want to feel on my face, tangle in my hair…

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 _please leave feedback_


	2. Chapter 2

We move out along the corridors I have walked these past 7 years, we link arms and I feel the peace of our connection. Looking at Kathryn I can see she is in a different world, and not listening to the chattering of Naomi as we walk along. Her eyes are softened, her lips parted and there is a slight wistful smile on her face. The temptation as always is to take her into my arms and kiss the wistfulness away. She misses an answer, and as I tease her and she makes Naomi proud, I realise the thoughts were of children, hers and therefore, maybe, mine? I re-imagine my chubby son now running older after Naomi, and go the full distance, lets make it two or three sons, and a pregnant Kathryn. I smirk as I realise that she has drifted off again, and when she places her hand on my chest, a fire reignites through me. My heart is at peace. The padding in my head settles, my soul is peaceful walking beside her.

I am deceiving myself again, pretending we are nearer the start of our voyage. Somehow, by arriving, the pressure has started to reduce, the Captain is unwinding into Kathryn. I smile and straighten. When Naomi wants us to discuss captains rules, I realise that Kathryn is truly back, into the playful bantering mode that I love, and have seen less frequently have seen less of Kathryn altogether recently. I laugh at her at loud when she has as her first rule that she can keep some things to herself. We all know the three cardinal Janeway rules, shirt tucked in, go down with the ship and don't leave anyone behind. What she doesn't know is that the bridge crew have three different rules – keep the coffee flowing, always trust the captain, just do it. It has kept us safe all these years. Somewhere Tom has a manual he started to write in year 2 or 3, before the Borg anyway, on how to manage the captain. He would know, he has always managed her well, except over the Moneans, where she went completely beyond what I had expected for punishment.

I see you, Kathryn, imagining me in my maquis leathers! I can spot when you lick your lip, or fiddle with your commbadge. I am very dramatic in my retelling to Naomi of the last flight of the Val Jean under the heroic Captain Chakotay. Naomi is caught by every word, as is our captain. Though Kathryn clearly has to outdo me. Spirits, she has the most competitive nature of anyone on Voyager, and that really is saying a lot. All her scuttling stories though are alternate realities and timelines. I hadn't stopped to think how much chaos we have done to the temporal prime directive over our voyage. I think of all the times that supposedly we lost her, and am glad to be here this day, walking our ship together, with our First Daughter on this our last day.

I come out of my reverie to hear Kathryn describe a chronometer from her dreams, and suddenly I am alert. It couldn't be? For years I have had a chronometer ready to give her as a present, initially for a present, and then perhaps for getting home, and finally tucked away forgotten. I pause the walk and race back to my quarters, calling myself a fool all the way. Somehow it is very important to show her, somehow it is vital to me. I grab the chronometer from my quarters and run back, a variety of crewmen look at me in surprise as I craze past. I murmur, captains orders and they all laugh. Out of breath, I really should get fitter again, I show it to Kathryn and she handles the gift of Captain Crays chronograph as I tell her the story. I watch how reverently she holds it, I could swear that she nearly has tears in her eyes, and when she looks up at me, spirits, she loves me. It hits me hard, the tricobalt device in her armamentarium. I cannot replay that look any other way. She loves me. Kathryn, actually loves, me. Spririts. Fuck. She actually loves me. I can hardly think or breathe. She thanks me for keeping the faith, and I have to blurt out I haven't always. I am not talking about getting us home, and I wonder if she realises this.

We get into the turbolift and my brain is in overdrive. That trapped me is no longer padding but leaping, throwing itself against the barriers, barriers which are mine. What on earth have I been thinking, sleepwalking into a doomed relationship begun out of desperation. As I start to admit to myself that what I feel for Seven is caring, a kind of love but never going to light the same fires of passion that even walking voyagers corriders with her makes me feel about Kathryn. Currently I am ready to sweep her into my arms, halt the turbolift and make sure that when we leave it, sh is in no doubt how much I love her, need her. Naomi is our chaperone. Kathryn loves me still. It just repeats round my head, I hardly notice arriving in engineering, and the confetti appears to be celebrating my love. It reminds me of the party for the new drive, and how that night Kathryn admitted that she loved me, if not in so many words, but in her eagerness to get us back here, where there were no protocols and parameters. And here we are, but I have replaced those parameters and protocols with another, greater barrier. I have lost faith. I have dated the one person on this ship that she may neve forgive me for. Spirits! What the fuck have I been thinking!

Prior to the medal giving we have some fun, jumping in the air for images. Kathryn iis grouchy due to her height deficiency. She has always hated being shorter and wears the most outrageous heels, whilst I curl downwards to her height. I offer to throw her in the air so that she is the highest. We giggle. Kathryn loves me! I am falling into her gravitational well. I am pulled by my heart and soul closer and closer, and I no longer can resist. She laughs with me, and in her eyes, and reflected in mine is the love that we have shared since we first met. As we hug each other, and the engineering team, all I can see, smell and feel is her. It is as if the love is all freed a new again. The medals are done, and when we leave I hold her in support and she lets me, leans in. my heart is leaping.

I realise I must speak to Seven, and am trying to work out what is the best way of saying that I was wrong, that I was never free to date her. To apologise and offer to be her friend instead. Fuck, what a mess, she is going to hate me. What if she tells Kathryn? I am going to have to tell Kathryn too. I hope that she can forgive me. She forgave me Riley and Kellin, well eventually. Both were a disaster at a time we were starting to get closer. Spirits, I have to do this. When we finish this walk around. I'll talk to Kathryn and then Seven. Stupid, stupid man.

I send a private message to Seven that we need to talk in between this walk and the party. Kathryn sees my PADD is out, and is so inquisitive, I hide it from me as Seven's answer comes in, though it only says yes. Somehow I don't want Kathryn to see anything, know anything before I have the chance to say. In horror, I notice that it is item number one of scuttlebutt rumour. How did this happen? Fuck, double fuck. OK, so no PADDS for Kathryn until this is over. I don't think she reads the scuttlebutt? Tho as I think this, I know I am wrong, and let out a bit of a sigh. Spirits. No-one with that insatiable desire for knowledge is going to not be reading the scuttlebutt.

Luckilly tom saves my behind, and posts about the party being no ranks no recall after the doctor sings. She surprises me, and that quirky grin as she agrees. The wound up Captain is leaving her, and that fun,quirky Kathryn is starting to come to the front. If the crew love her now as Captain, they are going to adore her more when they see more of Kathryn, I reminisce on the talent shows when she performed, and how much excitement surrounded her performances.

I nearly miss that Naomi is asking about New Earth. How the spirits did that conversation start. Immediately I am picturing Kathryn there, in her many pocket dress, in my arms during the storm, in the tub, wearing that tiny towel… we share a quick glance, and Kathryn gives Naomi the shortest version of our stay imaginable, devoid of any emotion, as if it was an irrelevance. Am I wrong? I cannot bear to think of all we nearly had on New Earth, and have hidden the memory. I can barely answer. I am lost in my reflections, and the harshness of the return to Voyager. Yes, Kathryn has loved me, but that doesn't mean we get to express that love. If that happened again, how would I recover. Just because we are at Earth now, there is no guarantee that she will stay here, and not disappear on mission after mission. Loving Kathryn is not safe or easy and the future is unpredictable. Can I place everything on the line again?

I notice she has snuck a PADD out and is messaging furiously. I hope that she hasn't seen the scuttlebutt. I look cautiously at her, but there is no anger or dismay, and she is fairly bright about her answer. Tactics display is with Tuvok's customary perfection, and I love that Kathryn tries to see the party venue ahead of the surprise. She is truly terrible with surprises, and I allow a slow grin to build on my face, which turns into an outright laugh when Tom teasingly shows her an altogether inappropriate holodeck option! That should teach her. My laugh turns into a cough as a death stare sears its way towards me. No laughing at the captain!

And then, without warning, it happens. Kathryn turns to me and thanks me. her eyes sparkle, and the love in them is unmistakable. She is going to tell me, she is finally going to tell me she loves me. I can tell without any doubt and my heart sings.

Naomi is one inquisitive child. As I look between her and Kathryn, I wonder if some of Kathryns genes somehow snuck into the mix. Maybe it has been due to being with the captain so much, but they share lots of characteristics. I just know Naomi will one day be a captain in starfleet. She was born to it. Currently, though I am as close to angry as i have ever been with a child. She has broken the moment. Kathryn is retreating again. I dont care if she has a present for me. I silently curse Naomi, the spirits, fates and every damn thing that has ever come between kathryn and i. the only present i will ever want or need from Kathryn is the present of her love. I so nearly had this gift of everything, and instead she is withdrawing, disappearing faster than Tom in his warp 10 flight. I am utterly bereft. I start to walk away so that she cant see the despair in my eyes, that we are still playing this game. When she finally describes her present, my heart starts to lift again, something from the time of New Earth, and as she scrabbles around to hedge and disguise what it might be, I am filled with hope again. I cant look round, my emotions are too labile. i grin at myself, the stellar spectroscopy term of spectral shift comes to mind, between the gravitational pull of Kathryn's singularity, and Seven's smaller orbital body, i am indeed trapped between two heavenly bodies, and depending on outcome, I am likely to throw myself into the gravitational well and beyond the event horizon today. I just need that thrust, that impetus. I can' let any of my emotions escape as we enter this turbolift, and roughly accept Kathryn's invitation to talk after the walk concludes.

As we visit science, I start to get nervous about astrometrics. I am sure, mostly sure, that I need to talk to Seven and end things, or at least pause while I adjust to being in the alpha quadrant. As I think pause, I know I am cowardly. How can I think of holding seven in reserve. I need to admit that I love Kathryn beyond all reason, and commit to seeing for one last time whether we can make this work. Seven is beautiful, clever and surpisingly fun, but even on a good day, I can see that we really have no future here in the alpha quadrant. We could have made it work before due to lack of viable alternatives, but here? I need to let her see that too, that my love for Kathryn isn't the huge betrayal that she is sure to see. Spirits, how can one man make such a mess. My mind whispers that there was an intransigent woman at the centre of that mess. It doesn't help to blame Kathryn. My anger just builds up again and the internal pacing starts again. As we get closer to astrometrics, and the possibility of a meeting, an inevitability of a meeting between the woman I admit again that I love, and the woman I am dating, I am nervous. I have to hope that this will all go smoothly, that I can talk to each separately from a clean slate. Spirits, I have made this a disaster. May they both forgive me, but mostly, let Kathryn forgive me.


	3. Chapter 3

It feels lot like carnage. My heart and soul feel like they have been ravaged by cardassians. I am a sterile wasteland. My hopes have again turned to ashes. I have been so stupid, so foolish not not perceive that hiding this relationship would be my undoing. Spirits weep! My heart has stopped beating, my brain has stopped functioning. I have watched her heart break in front of me, it is my fault. I have failed her beyond imagining. Stretching between us is the empty desolation following the metreon cascade. Fuck.

It started so well, we entered astrometrics, and Kathryn and Icheb are clearly bonding well as new Mum and Son, and I love seeing her maternal side coming to the fore. They smile, laugh hug tentatively, at the start of something new and wonderful. I am distracted by the attention of the Delaney sisters, definitely two to keep at arms length! Very early in my journey, and had several single episodes with willing crewmembers - mostly for comfort, mostly maquis - before my love for Kathryn overwhelmed all else, but even then, I knew these were two to avoid! I notice Seven glaring balefully at us, and she moves them swiftly to collect their pins. I am, disappointingly, proud of what could be seen as jealousy. Stupid old man, thoughts like these are what has given me my current problem. Her attentions have been a balm at the time that I was losing my confidence, but I know that I need to talk and address this now with her. What might have worked in the delta quadrant, where neither of us had many alternates is not going to survive here. I make no attempt at eye contact, and instead concentrate entirely on my role and Kathryn.

This is why it came as a shock, I did hear Megan ask whether I was escorting Kathryn, and I hadn't considered this when the party was mooted. I always have, and it was clear that Kathryn was expecting this. That is, before seven, in a voice of clarity, let out that not only were we dating and that I was escorting her, but in her unusual usage of language, made it very clear that we are having sex! Well, that's how it came across even to me, and I know that we haven't. And I saw the spark in Kathryn's eyes wink out, a deadness appearing. She was literally blown off her feet with shock, stumbling, the captains mask in fragments. This disaster of epic proportions is entirely my doing. It feels like a concatenation of all my shuttle crashes added together, with the addition of losing Kathryn in every single one. On our day of great celebration at returning home, I am betraying her. Have betrayed her. I see the shock waves of this betrayal spreading out, as our crew rush in thoughts and action towards their downed Captain.

So I am speechless. I cannot think of anything that can be said that doesn't make this so much worse. I hear B'Elanna calling me a P'tak in my head, and she is right. I should have talked to Seven sooner, told Kathryn, just unravelled this Gordian knot earlier, or taken a sword to it. I am ashamed. Fuck again. This is down to me, losing faith, a drowning man clutching at the oak plank. I know now I should have gone to Kathryn when I started to lose hope. I have stepped so far away from the path that I should have taken, betrayed myself as well as two women. Spirits wept! Why didn't I just have the difficult conversation with Kathryn after Jaffen, rather than taking the cowards way out, assuming i had lost her, and behind her back taking an eager substitute. Now I cannot see how I won't hurt both, and I care for Seven, and also can't bear the hurt it would give her fledgling humanity to throw back her love at this point, now she has also declared. She looks so strong and invulnerable, but in matters of relationships, she is as new and delicate as a butterfly out of a chrysalis. I am between Scylla and Charybdis now. How can I find my way home now. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Kathryn is back up and fighting. I recognise that pose from years of watching her regroup after disastrous trade missions, and treachery by seemingly mild mannered delta quadrant aliens. She is, as always, magnificent, unbowed, bending rather than breaking in the storm and coming through. And she is magnanimous to Seven, treating this as part of a 'humanise the borg' programme. I am angry that Kathryn can add this to her reclamation project success, when it is a disaster. What is it with this hologram reference? This is the second time Kathryn has dropped it in, clearly it de-stabilised seven the first time, but not this. I tag the reference away for review later.

Icheb will escort Kathryn, and she is moving on, swiftly, without me. And then, after Naomi is comforted, Kathryn finally tells me that she loves me. Spirits alive! Except she doesn't. She doesn't tell me that is. She tells Naomi, the crew, the whole fucking world, but she doesn't look at me, she doesn't actually tell me. I am an accidental receiver of her transmission. The admission I have waited fucking years for, and it isn't even delivered to me. Spirits hold me! I am irrelevant to the declaration of love, about me! How does this happen. I am incandescent with rage that something that should have been precious and personal is being displayed in this way, and being passed over and sacrificed. She hasn't evn asked what I want. How dare she just make the decision for me. I am howling inside, but maintain my pose.

With this huge drama of self-sacrifice, all fall in around her. As easy as breathing she manipulates emotions and is perceived as brave and heroic. Our crew declare their love, and it is only with huge difficulty that I don't, that i don't throw myself at her feet, lose the last shred of my dignity and abjectly beg for forgiveness. I am a sad wreck of the proud warrior I once was. Fuck. Where i once had peace, I now have misery. I breathe over my bitterness. Spirits, but she is brave and heroic, I cannot be angry with her, it is me that i am angry with. In this walk, our celebration as a command team of our voyager journey and our voyager family, I found myself finally coming back to her. I felt us re-finding each other in joy, coming back to who we should be together, and my foolish selfishness has shot this understanding down. And yet, I am also angry with her after all. If i am guilty of concealment, so is she, for I had no idea, no idea at all that she was ready to throw away the parameters. Spirits, what a goddamn mess. So when she comes to me, with doubt in her eyes, doubt that I haven't seen for years, instead of putting her hand on my heart, where it belongs, she lets it drop uselessly to her side. I look at it drop, and i realise this gesture always symbolised her love, all these years she was telling me she loved me this way and i missed it. From her a constant reassurance of her faith in our love and the hope of our future. It is gone, she has lost that faith and i have lost that future. Spirits weep indeed. I cannot even start to cross the opening chasm. Most Stupid Man.

Kathryn nods at me to fall in and ship out, and automatically I do. I haven't looked at Seven all this time, and leave without a look. i wonder what the crew are thinking, well i know from B'Elanna and imagine that to be fairly universal. I know that for years the crew has willed for their command team to be joined in all ways, a happy ever after. I straighten up to face whatever opinion the crew might take of this. It is all so damned public.

I am overwhelmed, B'Elanna greets both of us outside, and the crew are there, shaking both of our hands, holding to us, surrounding me as well as Kathryn with their love and affection. I feel their acceptance for whatever our private lives are, that their love and faith is for us as commanders first, and humans with failings like everyone else second. I am forgiven for my betrayal. I am still part of Voyager. I hadn't realised until i saw the acceptance that i feared exile from this community, that i would lose this family too. Their appreciation brings acceptance. I walk closer to Kathryn, and as we fall into our usual closeness, I feel our natural rhythm return. we spontaneously link arms, and smile shyly at each other, and the crew cheer. Whatever happens, we are a team. I grin out at our crew, indivisible now into maquis, starfleet or equinox. we are all one together, and like any family, we do best when we are whole. We forgive, we know that to err is human. As I walk with Kathryn, I know this is how the rest of our life is supposed to be. I just need to navigate safely to get us there. Spirits give me the wisdom and the strength I so desperately need.

We walk into the mess hall to pay our respects for all those we have lost. A huge number in the transition across to the delta quadrant, but since then we have valiantly fought to keep each life, and losing each one weighs heavily. I am impressed with Kathryn and Chell for the organisation. Actually, I am astounded by Chell, I really didn't think he had the skills to do this for her. But when Kathryn asks, she seems to get the best version of everyone. The tables have been joined in front of the viewing windows, and there is an image of all those we have lost, and candles in between groups. I light the candles for those she lost whilst she turns around each image and lays a voyager pin down; she lights the candles for those I lost on the val jean whilst I turn the image and say a few words and place the voyager pin down, and then I carry on lighting, as together we grieve for our family remember and say goodbye. I silently chant a prayer for the safe release of all these spirits to an afterlife. I free them from Voyager, and commend them to the eternal.

I look out over our voyager family before us and hold the eyes of many that are dear to me. I too no longer see maquis or Starfleet, I see voyager. The tears and sadness we all share for comrades we have loved and lost, and the hard times we have in our unity, I can finally discard the guilt I have worn since the mutiny courtesy of teero, the schism that created in my thinking. As I do so, some of my bitterness and anger falls away, and I feel more Chakotay again. I am reclaiming my sense of self too as I walk with the Captain, my pride, the man I hope to be. This moment of peace and remembrance we have shared helps to centre us all. We will enjoy the laughter of our party more for having remembered our losses. I see my Captain give thanks to the admiral, and for the lessons she has learnt from this. I see tears roll down my Captains face as she openly grieves. We are all healing today.

We head out to the bridge, our final destination, and Kathryn pulls a neat trick which makes me responsible for her coffee rations, breaking the painful sorrow of loss, and restarting the final uplift of our final walk. She has always had a devious streak where coffee is concerned. I can only laugh! The Kathryn of my heart is blending with the Captain I would follow to the universe end, and I feel hope course through my veins.

Striding onto the bridge, I have come home again. This is where I first met Kathryn, made my very short lived play for supremacy as I was instantly hit by the coup de foudre of looking I her eyes and finding my destiny. We both have smiles as we see all the bridge crew, the command track, our alpha, beta and gamma crew. These are our people. She has timed us carefully and as we arrive we are in the solar system, earth is becoming bigger in the viewscreen. Always a showman in her command skills. Against all the odds, we are home. Our team stand proudly to attention in front of the viewscreen, and both Kathryn and I are full of pride giving them their pins. At a nod from me, they all salute Kathryn, with Earth taking up the viewscreen behind. I catch the eye and nod to each one, I owe my life to all of them.

The my captain turns to me, and my attention is that from the parade ground at Starfleet, is that of the proudest of the proud. As she praises my attention to duty as executive officer and role on voyager, I am in the position of both being exceptionally humbled by this woman in front of me, and exceptionally beatified. 'I have been stronger because of you', my mind says, and the look I am giving her is full of all that could have been, and maybe might be. I love this woman beyond all reason. My eyes bore into hers, and I can see she feels it, my passion is reflected back, and the touch of my hands on hers as we fix on the pin causes her to tremble. Spirits, never have I needed to kiss her so much, and never have I been less able too. I curse myself, knowing that this is where we should have been without my foolishness. As she breaks contact, I feel yet another part of me break off and follow her. I am still disappearing into the gravitational well of our love. My eyes see only her.

It is time to celebrate her achievements, and I allude to her marriage to the ship, and lead a shipwide cheer for her, and see the emotion hit her. Then, as planned with Tom, I stride to her side, and without waiting for permission, I lift her up and onto our shoulders. She is feather light. A woman of such power and import, whose mind I rarely manage to change, but physically so slender and delicate. We carry her, protesting slightly, to our crew in front of the viewscreen and turn. We are ready for Naomi to take her best images, and smile broadly at her. Even Kathryn stops her nominal protest, and risks raising her arms, trusting herself to myself and Tom. All our leads follow into the image, as they have so often been on the bridge, with cheers from the rest of the crew waiting from screens or the back of the bridge.

This is the image of a captain and team triumphant.

This is the image my captain deserves.

My heart feels only her, my world is only of her, I barely notice that it is Seven at my other side, she is… irrelevant. As I let Kathryn down, nothing else impinges in my consciousness, we are the alpha and omega to each other. My right hand without volition falls into a well remembered clasp with her left, and our connection is instantaneous. Her hand on my heart, the heart that is clearly beating only for her, her hand claiming me, branding me as hers and we move towards each other, the gravititation of our own event horizon finally too strong for either of us to deny. I let a quiet sigh escape from me, as all resistance is gone. I do not understand why my left hand cannot reach to her, to shape around her chin. It appears trapped, and as I determine to ignore it and bend down so that my lips can brush against hers, in a culmination of seven years of patience and adoration, I find myself roughly torn away by a superior force. Bent roughly away, ripped from my peace to face Seven. The shock of the dysjunction unbalances me, and gives Kathryn a chance to run. I see her escaping to the ready room. I hear none of the words that Seven is remonstrating me with. I barely notice the icy anger in her blue eyes. I am only aware that I cannot let Kathryn leave. 'Seven, it is enough' I say 'this is not the time' and I pull free and follow Kathryn, without thought of Seven, though it will later shame me. I race to the readyroom and follow Kathryn in. my head and heart are finally in unity.


	4. Chapter 4

I have my head in my hands. I left the ready room with a smile on my face for show, a commanders mask, but by the time I am safely in my quarters, it is replaced by a grimace. I sit. Fuck! I have made something of a heroic fail to my love life. Indeed, it is at the point of disintegration. Faced with the option of unequivocally choosing Kathryn, I had a moment of futility and she walked out, releasing me from my promise to be by her side. Spirits, what a disaster.

It had started less well than i hoped, with a demand to explain myself, and with that provocation my anger returned. So instead of striding forwards, swooping her in my arms like I had planned and kissing each other into oblivion, I went on the attack. Foolish man. Angry with her for telling the world she loved me before she told me, and in the next breath throwing it all away and denying us. I can't remember my words, that burst out from my mouth like projectile weapons, destined to hurt and damage. I know i was shouting, I was swearing at her. Spirits, I have never sworn at Kathryn before. I put her on the defensive, which I know she hates, and we went downhill from there. What was I thinking! I keep my head in my hands, as if they can press sense back into me.

But then i am remembering our first kiss. She moved in on me as if i were the enemy to intimidate, she stepped right into my space, fearless and then, no dagger to the chest but something equally heart stopping, she gently pressed her lips against mine. Spirits but I love her. The first kiss, so gentle it belied her aggressive stance, so delicate and yet the power behind it threw out all my arguments. I was lost in her from then onwards, my whole self desperate to repeat and deepen. My heart is singing again as i remember. A kis as delicate as the first rays of sunlight in the cool morning, preparing you for the heat of midday. As I thought to lift up my arms to cradle her though, she moaned gently and slipped from my possession. A knife in the heart would have been less terminal. I watched as she downed her wine and i wished i could join her, but she regrouped, and when she told me that i had her full and undivided attention, then I knew I was in big trouble. We just shouldn't have talked. Stupid! Stupid! She has such a fixation with talking, setting the rules. I just should have run straight to the viewscreen and kissed all our doubts away. Fool! What we needed was a maquis operation.

And then, like a first year cadet, I take her up on talking, and ask about Kashyk. Fuck! Stupid. next mistake, I ask her if she *loved* him. Rank stupidity! Fuck, anyone would think that i had left my brain in the delta quadrant. Of course she never loved him, attracted maybe, just her type. In reality her answers give mea sense of relief after all, i actually know the truth rather than imagining, and it doesn't hurt like i thought it might because I also know she loves me. It hurts that she willingly used herself for the ship, it hurts that he held her in his power. she did it for us, and i am proud of her. I am angry with the delta quadrant, for all that she has had to lose.

I then did the only sensible thing of that encounter. demonstrating to her that for *us* Kashyk was an irrelevance. I strode up and finally kissed her. Kissed her with my whole heart, all i have ever been or could be I put into that kiss. And she kissed me back without hesitation. All or nothing, and I received all. As my lips stroked hers, demanded that she succumb to what is between us, as hers parted so that we joined together in unity, I am finally, unequivocally at peace with myself and the world. I hold all i need in my arms, and I am exactly here I am supposed to be. The world falls away, and all there is, is us. Together we face the event horizon of our our love, my whole life is given up to join with her. I feel the pattern of the universe shift around us. The caged animal within me is free. I feel her shudder, my arms wrap around and move against her. There will be no going back, and as i move to turn this kiss into the culmination of our passion, she moves away. She breaks away again. The resultant void fills me with despair.

She collapses at her desk, and I know it has taken all her powers to move us apart. What in the spirits name has possessed her to do this! Dammit woman! Just love me, don't ask! I want to shout again, but instead, the inner pacing is expressed externally, and i stride across the ready room, trying to find that delicate balance that has gone spinning away. And that is why, when she asks me, I yell 'Jaffen'. not that I blame her - how could I? not that she couldn't seek comfort elsewhere, but that she loved him, and i wanted all her love. I am guiltily aware that in tearing them apart, so that she could return to voyager, that i didn't act with hers or the ships best interest central to my response, I acted because i was insanely jealous. i did it for me because I couldn't bear to see her love another. I was rent asunder and hurting. Spirits forgive me. It was the right actions for the wrong reasons. I dressed my actions in honour and dedication, knowing the falseness at the core. I know that she wouldn't have made the same choice. She would have tried to give me what i needed as well as the ship. She always does. I have been so ashamed of my actions that I couldn't talk about Quarra to her, pulled away when she needed comfort from me. The shame meant i couldn't raise my eyes to hers without the darkness showing. The name comes out with the anguish of my failure to her.

When she responds, I realise that she has totally misconstrued my hesitancy and withdrawal after Quarra. Spirits, she believes i was disappointed in her, that I blamed her. I try and explain, that it was all about my guilt for wresting happiness from her. That i was so guilty that i couldn't bear to remember her smile for Jaffen, that he had what i had wanted, her love. So ashamed that I was unworthy of her, and determined to cut myself loose, so that I could never fail like that again. i couldn't risk not putting her first again. I must have said it all wrong, as she is still angry.

When she re-frames the experience, likening to the Vhori, being against her fully conscious will, the truth of her experience hits me. I am physically in pain, I nearly hurl the contents of my stomach across the ready room. Spirits weep, I understand, I too clearly understand. I am blown apart with the understanding, shattered. When she asks if i have other questions, I have none. Truly. We have both done what we have needed to do. i care not for holographic lovers, for our arguments over borg or equinox. I care only for her. My mind is full of my failure, and when she offers her love, herself to me, I only know that i am unworthy of it all. I need time to think, I need time to assimilate what she has said. I need to run and find a new footing. Spirits, she is right, we are hopeless. We should have talked more before, and today we damn well should have talked less.

And now is when she asks me about Seven, when all my defences are down. I am stripped bare before her. She has always been the master of negotiation, because she understands where to push, and when to let go. She can break a man, but i am broken by both my own actions and by my inactions. i stutter in my answer, and recite what i have prepared, that she chose me, that i needed to have something else, a family. This much is true, I did need a family, and Seven seemed no worse a candidate than anyone else, and better than many. Best of all, she chose me. I know, deep in my psyche, that also accepting Seven was the self destruct button for any hope of a relationship with Kathryn. It was to explode all those hopes out of the stars. I thought I had lost Kathryn, and by the time I was begging Seven to stay, I had truly lost my path.

So when Kathryn offers me a choice, I only back away in confusion, I am not worthy of her and I realise that I am running scared. I am disoriented and frightened by the depths of this love, that it will end in my immolation. I understand that she has always known this, knowing herself: this is the reason for her hesitation all these years. I am ashamed of who i have been to her, and that when she understands this, that she will leave me and I will be nothing without her. The whole day feels like it has been leading up to this moment of crystal clarity, and now I am here I am suddenly blind. In the maelstrom of my emotions, I cannot see a clear path. Stumbling, I prevaricate and temporize, contrary to the last. In my confusion and self flagellation, I decide that i need to give her space to let us go and find someone who hasn't failed her. It is my turn to make a sacrifice so that she can move on, find someone more worthy. She will have the whole of alpha quadrant at her feet. i know Kathryn wont let us/this go easily, so I use Kashyk and Jaffen as my excuse. I don't deny my love for her, how could I, after that kiss, there is no option of plausible deniability. instead I offer up my vulnerability and weakness. I need to reclaim my self worth and be honourable towards someone, having failed Kathryn. Maybe I can redeem myself by treating Seven with the honour she deserves. I will settle for simplicity with seven, creating in myself what she needs and devoting myself to her. I will ignore the siren call of my heart of a future rich in complexity with Kathryn, chaining her to a man as weak as myself. The relentless void is claiming more and more of me. Drowning in the darkness, I am becoming a shell of the man I was. the light is fading from my eyes as i face up to my future. Spirits, Oh Kathryn, measure of my dreams, how has this happened, that it is I that deny your love. She tries once more and I push her away, my heart breaking. But she retains her strength, her love. She still chooses me, despite her knowledge, despite my failings. She gives me space to think, but she chooses me anyway.

As she formally dissolves my promise to stay by her side, I remain obdurate, my crying heart silenced in chains, and I remain still until she leaves. She takes all hopes of my life with her. I am a shell of the man I was indeed. I sit, gathering fragments of who I am, and find myself at her desk. I open the draw and review my gift, and my heart breaks again. Beside it is an envelope addressed to me. It is in the event of her untimely demise. I read it, and the breath goes from my body. She has written of her love for me, her love for all of who I am, and her shame that she has kept hidden parts of her and increased my pain and my difficulty. That she has always understood me, and loved me for my weaknesses as well as strengths, and cannot have ever hoped for as much as I have given her. My tears stain the page as she hopes for my future. I don't unwrap the present. I am confident that i know what it is. She chooses me anyway, that thought rings in my head. She chooses me anyway. I am a fool, but it is not too late.

Tuvok comms me, and I raise a wry grin, and then Kathryn messages me. I cannot help but smile at her message as I leave the ready room, pass through the bridge without comment to end here, sitting in my quarters, with my head in my hands.

-0-0-0-

 _this chapter may end up with a few subtle rewrites as it still doesn't quite sound as I mean it to._

 _for Kathryn's view s/12310181/17/Coming-Home-with-You_


	5. Chapter 5

Before I have a chance to even catch breath or think on the events, Ayala arrives. I know why he is here. The doleful music chosen by Paris agrees. He is here to tell me not to be a fool, not to throw away what I have clearly wanted for most of seven years. Seven that is an irony. I listen to him, and it is only when he reminds me that we all fail, that the total of my support is what Kathryn sees that I wonder if I truly know why I ran scared. Spirits help me. Is it because I am not worthy - certainly I feel that strongly, is it because I am frightened of being subsumed by her – yes, there is that. Is this the outcome I want? No, most definitely not. Is it the outcome Kathryn wants? I don't think so either. I have made a monumental error, again! I remember telling Neelix that what you get when you love someone is greater than what you risk. Now is the time for me to live by these words.

I can't bear this music of funereal sentiment, all about love and loss. As ayala draws to a close, I get a message from Kathryn, another encrypted one, and opening it, it is a holovid. I nearly throw Mike out as I listen to it. When he is gone, I look at it at my leisure. Truly, the woman of my dreams is there wearing a very loose robe, and I can see the outline of her clearly, and as she dances and mimes for just for me, the message is unmistakeable. She hasn't given up on me. She loves me. I send a peace rose to her bedroom. An unmistakeable message. Two can play this holovid game as well, as her song said, the game is on again. Maybe I should see this as a new chance to make a new promise that I can keep. I smile, and take the holoimager to the shower with me, carefully positioning to not show too much. I feel the maquis in me starting to reappear, the tactition, the captain. I am reforming back into the man I want to be for Kathryn. Bold moves. Let her make what she wants from that. When I send it, I don't have to wait long, and just like in the past, I push our private communication over the bounds of that allowed normally. I am well rewarded, she is definitely appreciative. I feel the breath flowing back into me. Game on indeed. In my towelling robe I send out another holovid, again clearly for her. I then attend to adding a few alternate command codes for the holodeck, should they be appropriate.

I dress up, I look good! It has been a while since I have booted and suited. In honour of my truthfulness, I remove the dye from my hair, letting the salt and pepper show through, perhaps there is more there than I expected, but I am showing that there is a difference. The lost Chakotay struggling to find his footing of an hour ago is dismissed. I know exactly who I am and what I want, and before tonight is through, I have every intention of getting it. I let a grin spread across my face, seeing me appear in the mirror. I imagine that she is going to lead me a merry dance to be sure, but that will just make it more enjoyable. You have no idea captain!

I need to go to Seven and work something out. I think I will need to allow this date, but she needs to be aware that here in the alpha quadrant we don't have a romantic future. I snort, as I realise that I am going to be the one setting parameters. I take away my wolfish grin, affix the commanders mask, and make my way to cargo bay 2. I hope that seven is wearing something other than a damned catsuit. I hope I can do this next bit with the minimum of distress, after all, we have only had a few gentle dates.

-0-0-0-

I leave my quarters, and walking past Kathryn's, her music is blaring so loudly that it is a wonder i can hear all the laughter over the top. I take the turbolift, and on exiting, meet Icheb and Naomi. I admire them both, and cluck Naomi's cheek. Icheb glowers. Naomi says it is because I have hurt his Mom - how can they have a bond that close so soon! I bend my knees so closer to Naomi's height. 'Firstborn, sweetness, we all make mistakes. We are lucky that the captain is always open for second, third and more chances. I intend to take one of those chances when offered, but shhh, our secret. I need to make it work for Seven too' . Naomi i good at secrets, and gives me a hug and telling me that I smell 'just right'. I get a half smile from Icheb, and he steers Naomi into the lift. Standing straight, I aim for cargo bay 2

-0-0-0-

I take a deep breath and enter the cargo bay. Seven looks beautiful Breathtakingly beautiful. The doctor has designed her an asymetrical skirted red dress with plunging front, she takes my breath away. I compliment her on her outfit. She looks uncomfortable.

'commander, it has come to my attention today that you have unresolved feelings for the captain, and the captain has been very clear that any feelings you might have are more than adequately reciprocated.'

well that is fairly direct. It allows an easier start to the conversation.

'i am sorry, Seven, it was never my intention to be anything other than honestly dating. Returning to the alpha quadrant has changed... everything.' i pull in my ear. ' i was unaware that the captain had any ... romantic ... intentions, otherwise, I would have declined your invitation. Dating you has been an unexpected joy in my life, but one that i cannot continue now i am aware of the captains true feelings' i draw to a close.

she is looking at me seriously, but I cannot gauge her feelings.

'we married, chakotay, so why cannot it work?'

I am utterly stunned by this pronouncement, damn the admiral! and then, i think that if she were holding the feelings back that clearly are between Kathryn and I, how must it have felt to watch Seven and I gravitate to each other and marry. i sigh.

'seven, in the delta quadrant, where Kathryn didn't allow herself the freedom of a romantic attachment, we were growing apart. The arrival of Miral, well it pushed in me a need for family. I am not proud of where this relationship has finished, but it started in good faith. Seven, it has been only a few dates, but enough that i value you and your views, but also enough to know that my heart is not mine to give to you. I am sorry.'

'do you not want a family now, Chakotay? I am uncertain that i desire an infant, but am more likely to be successful in the delivery of this obligation.'

i feel the start of this conversation turning difficult, and decide that extrication is the key. I move to present this in an acceptable format.

'Seven, when a relationship ends, there is usually very little gained from close analysis of the reasons. Unlike a scientific experiment, emotions are not subject to repeatable laws and patterns. I would have tried hard to make this relationship a success, but being open about this now, i know that I always loved Kathryn more, but she was unobtainable. You had limited acceptable dating options on Voyager as well, and whether consciously or not, were also settling for what you considered the best available choice. We may have tried to make it work out there, but we are unaware of the costs of our relationship. It does seem that the Captain must have shouldered significant costs. We both have alternative choices now, and should make the most of these. I see no reason not to accompany you to the party this evening if you wish since it has been announced, but suggest that this is our last date and should end at the end of the formal section of the evening.'

Seven considers this 'will you make no further advances to the Captain whilst we are on this date? I do not wish to be humiliated in front of the crew.'

'until the end of the formal section' i acquiesce.

I smile at her, 'for what it is worth, I do care for you Seven ' I take her arm, and we leave the cargo bay and make our way to the enlarged holodeck prepared for Voyager's party. i thank the spirits that I have had the conversation I needed with Seven, who appears to have taken this well. I can only hope that I am successful with Kathryn, later.


	6. Chapter 6

Seven strides besides me as we make our way to the holodeck. I hope that escorting her isn't another monumental mistake. I have made so many today. However, this feels right. it is an honourable ending to something that perhaps should never have existed, but wasn't a complete mistake in the original context. She certainly looks beautiful. She is less than happy with my appearance, my hair to be exact. the rest of me is 'acceptable' . I quirk at this. When she notices this, and i am recently aware of how much she notices, I shrug. Seven, I am returning to being 'me' again. I am not a young man, I am experienced. I grin again. She makes a moue with her delectable lips and sniffs. I am unconcerned.

My unconcern is well founded, as on entering the holodeck I receive a number of compliments, and I am relieved to see that the crew is unfailingly polite that seven is on my arm. Some of them are damn well jealous. I will not smirk and be proud that two of the three most desirable women on this ship are chasing me. Belay that thought and i stride in the holodeck as if i own the damn place. I grasp hands with crew members as we walk to the podium. Seven gives a faint smile, i am hoping that my words in the cargo bay have been understood. I have not long got to the podium when I can tell from the ripple of interest in the room that Kathryn has arrived. It is har to break my habit and not immediately swivel around. I can tell from the vicelike grip on my arm that it has been an effective entrance, and that Seven is making a point.

It is not until Kathryn makes it to the podium that I turn to watch her, and hide the immediate hit to my heart. Spirits, but she is magnificent. It isn't just beauty, but persona that captivates me, has captivated me. My eyes meet hers, and i see that all prevarication is truly over. we are linked together now, regardless of my words. The kiss we shared has completed a bond that we cannot deny. It gives me strength and comfort to realise that we are standing at a moment of inevitability, and we both understand this. So when Seven makes a fuss over our first dance, I make damn sure that Kathryn doesn't give way, i could see in her eyes the second she was about to, and instead capture her onto the dance floor. Spirits know where Seven got the married idea from, but i cant have Kathryn confused again, so i ask for some patience. I can see from how she relaxes that the full message is understood. The we share a deeply seductive first dance. There are no heroics, or dramatic movements to capture anyone's attention, no fuss. Just the kind of closeness that lovers of many years might share. Holding onto each other with full hearts, we both just are in the moment. We have found our perfect balance, and the heavens align for us. If I were Borg, i would believe that we were the embodiment of their damned omega particle. perfection. I could stay like this forever. The caged animal within me is caged no longer, I have released the prison and she has given us the way. my angry warrior again knows the meaning of peace. I smile, my lips caressing her hair as i do so. She feels it, and I feel her smile back. This is belonging. The dance ends and we share another glance before letting go, and everything i need to know is there.

I let Seven claim me, and dance me around like a prize animal without complaint. i do this for her her because I care for her. I do it for Kathryn because I love her, and need to make an honest future with her. The dance gets more complicated, which pleases Seven, and she comments that our dancing is certainly exceptional. I agree that she dances well, and finally she lets it rest so I snatch the chance to dance with Naomi. She has been twirled crazily by Icheb, who is declaring motion sickness having gone from a twirling dance with Kathryn to two further with Naomi. I laugh and tell Naomi i will twirl her next. She is suspicious of this, as i didn't twirl the Captain. I shrug, that wasn't really a twirling dance, and then twinkle a smile at her, peeping at her until she giggles, and off we go. I am not noticing Kathryn is now partnering Reg, just as i did not notice her just partner Q Junior - and disappear for a heartstopping moment - or any of her other dances. So when i sit down exhausted, I am not expecting to particularly notice her dance with Tom.

I am not expecting to notice how beautiful her dancing is, nor am i expecting the sight of her body surrounded by his arms to punch at me so hard. I am not expecting to be fixated by the sight of her thighs, naked through the slit in her dress, wrapped around his black formal trouser leg to cause me to stop breathing, nor his hand stroking down her naked back. Spirits help me but I am not expecting this sudden rage of jealousy. It is Tom for spirits sake, I have watched them interact for years without ever feeling a frisson between them. Fuck! I am certainly not expecting this overwhelming need to rip her out of his arms and insist she dance only with me. I have not expected this jealousy, this need. She said that without me she would move on and find love, and I did not expect that even the thoughts that she could be interested in another would so quickly devastate my peace of mind so thoroughly. This isn't even a real threat, this is Tom, who loves B'Elanna. Spirits save me. I know now. I know now that I will have no peace till we have full, surrendering resolution between us. I know that this needs to happen tonight, whilst we are both still of voyager. I know that it is I that cannot wait.

Sam takes pity on me, realising that I haven't heard a word of Seven's more frantic discourse, and that I will not be able to hide myself shortly. I immediately swing a happy Seven back onto the dancefloor, asking the spirits for forgiveness for adding to the deception. It is clear that Seven hopes that I will change my mind and continue our romance. I plan to dance with Kathryn again next as i desperately need to reconnect and have the reassurance of her closeness. We finish the dance at opposite ends of the dancefloor, and whilst I push Seven into the hovering doctors arms, I am too late in striding to make it to Kathryn unless I wish to be part of the face off between Dalby and Ayala for her hand. Ayala clearly takes the upper hand, and i step back. Since Ayala very clearly knows how I feel for Kathryn, and not that long ago was persuading me to not throw this love away, I am reassured that this will be a fairly safe dance again. That is, until he looks at me, the challenge clear in his eyes. Fuck! so he thinks he can take me on. He has seen my moment of weakness and mistaken my arrival with Seven. When Kathryn follows his gaze and smiles in challenge, I know that I am really going to hate this next dance.

I am tempted just to walk away and grab some of Tom's execrable punch, to drown out this shuttle crash of a dance rather than stay. Stay I do though, and as the sounds of Latin America hits me, I know that this is Mike making his move, and all I can do at this point is watch. Spirits help me but I don't even try to pretend that I am not noticing. I don't mask the desire on my face as i watch her being bent backwards such that her hair brushes to floor. I don't hide the ache as she is held so close and sensuously, as their bodies dance as one. I can't hide that my hands are balled into fists, with the temptation to let them fly as his hands wander over Kathryn in ways mine have never dared to do. I get it, Kathryn, I truly understand. I am sorry for Seven. I am sorry for every laugh, every dance, and overwhelmingly sorry for not having talked earlier. Fuck, but this is some punishment. Tom comes to stand beside me and tells me to grab her when the dance finishes for the presentation. He laughs at me, and promises that the dancing will get wilder and more daring unless I make a move. i look at him, face full of cocky humour, and remind him that only 2 women have stood between him and death at my hands. I stalk off, to the sounds of laughter.

the torment finishes and I waste no time in stalking up to them, Mike nearly runs away, though not before I see him kiss her. She doesnt even look slightly abashed, and by the sway of her hips and the quirk in her mouth as she observes me, I know that she knows I am all hers and these dances will be the death of me. I stalk towards the podium, barking at her to follow, like she was some green cadet. Her laughing 'always' nearly pulls me back to drag her into my arms and kiss her senseless. Time to put a stop to this charade.


	7. Chapter 7

I missed my chance. I laughed with her and the crew as she was crowned, and the 'do it' on the sash was calling to me, a personal message. I thought of all the personal messages we had sent each other over the years, some more coded than others. I cant remember when i started to get so cautious round her, stopped pushing every so often, just to check. No wonder she thought it all over. I am not going to be cautious any more. Then i was given my accolades, sheriffs badge, which makes me laugh! I have been dispensing both fair and rough justice to this crew for the last 7 years, sorting out petty and not so petty squabbles. In the other gift i recognize tom's hand: a manual on how to get the best out of your Captain Janeway. Some series of twentieth century earth manuals initially for cars, and then humorous spin offs. I flick it open and laugh that this is seven years too late. I do not miss the section on fuel source - coffee, as expected! I think that we will hopefully both get to laugh over the contents. As we charge our glasses with champagne and leave the podium to the doctor and seven, under the pretext of looking at the book, she warns me that she plans to carry on dancing as she pleases unless I come to claim her. I growl that she is killing me, where is the patience. She gives me a serious look, and says that she is at least *only* dancing currently. 'noted' I say, nearly without expression. I hear, though, that admonition that as yet she hasn't 'just kissed' anyone as she walks off to clink her champagne against all the crew members she can. The next dance starts before I can catch Seven and formalise our disassociation, so Ayala sweeps her willingly onto the dancefloor again whilst I impatiently wait for Seven to join me. I stalk the dance floor twice before settling next to B'Elanna, in the hopes that Miral can soothe me. B'E recognises my mood, and places her hand on my arm.

I am watching her, every move she makes. Spirits, I just can't take my eyes from her. I have always admired her suppleness, & years of fighting our way out of disaster, as well as numerous velocity games have me aware of the level of control she has over her body. However, I admit to continued surprise at the extent of that control viewed through her dancing. My whole body is tense, my mind is caught in her, and I am unbelievably completely and utterly jealous. Spirits. My baleful glare should by rights have acted as a phaser on stun and pushed Mike into oblivion. Her dance must act as a shield. Without volition, I watch, aching as she entwines around him, shimmies her hips and presses her taut buttocks against him, undulating to the beat. Pulsing against him, whilst I try and ignore the thrusting action that appears part of his response in the dance. I cannot deny that they dance well together, entirely too well for comfort. Fuck, but it makes me ache. This should be me she is dancing with. My body feels her against me. Her hips slowly rotate and she arches back, allowing him, as if dancing to pass his hands over her taut abdomen, caressing, her head thrown back allows his lips to craze her neck. He is lucky my fist isn't pulverising his face. Spirits weep, I would not believe that Kathryn, the captain! [I spit this word out even in my head] would dance in such a shameless and hedonistic way in front of her crew [me!] without any care. Her eyes are half closed and her arms raised as she thrums to the insistent beat. I have never seen her lose herself to anything like this, except for coffee. Spirits help me, what I wouldn't give to be the one dancing. My whole body is crying with need to dance, hold, kiss her, move my hands across her breast, nuzzle her neck, feel her push against my hardness… Seven is talking to me, I answer in monosyllables,I hadn't even notice her arrive my whole consciousness captured by Kathryn. I am aware in the recesses of my mind that I am being an appalling, that I need to turn, concentrate on Seven and then finish things with some dignity. I had told her that I would do so, and it just needs to be said. But with such outrageous, wanton behaviour in front of me… Surely she must have had lessons from the Orion Guild to move like that. The formal dancing was torture enough, but this! This is guaranteed to madden and inflame. Spirits, Kathryn. I am watching you. Every breath you take, I am watching you.

I reluctantly drag my attention away to pay lip service to the idea of formally ending my date with Seven. She also is beautiful, clever, funny, but my heart is not engaged, and I am clear that it will never be so. She asks if I want to dance. I answer in the negative, and before I can start to talk to Seven and have the difficult conversation I thought that I had prepared her for, Seven goes to get us both a drink, keen to please. I am a total bastard. I need to make a swift end to this. When, so much earlier it seems a lifetime ago, I had prepared to lose Kathryn and let her find someone more worthy, it was without any thought to how that would feel. Knowing the sucker-punch, I have far more awareness of what Seven's inadvertent blurting would have done. I need Kathryn in my life. It is time to throw off playing, and dance the game for real. Harry is with us, looking mournfully at the Delaney sisters. Do I look as brooding when I am looking at her? Tom is whispering with B'Elanna and gets up to dance. And my eyes are dragged back to her, the lodestone.

So a new track plays, clearly chosen by Tom, and I see Kathryn raise her head up, stroke Ayala on the cheek as a clear dismissal,and stride into the centre of the room raising her arms to start dancing on her own to this new beat, whilst Mike is claimed by Megan. Clearly the dance shared is all there was so Mike will get to live unblemished by me. For a moment, I had wondered whether he would push, whether she would accept. I can breathe out. The beat is stronger and faster pulsing through the room, with uplifting lyrics celebrating our success. She gyrates with controlled abandon, certainly nearly all male eyes are in her direction when Tom launches forwards to end sliding on his knees in front of her and part passing though her legs. There is a near universal indraw of breath from around the room. I cannot bear to watch and I cannot bear to turn away as I see mischief in both of their eyes. I briefly glance in B'Elannas direction, and she rolls her eyes and mouths a variety of Klingon epithets. The stakes have been raised.

Looking back, Kathryn is grinding down until it appears that she is nearly sitting on Tom, and when he leans back and she moves forwards so powerfully arching her back, I am nearly sure that she is grinding onto his face. His head disappears from sight and a smile crosses her face. Spirits wept. If i had considered punching Mike, far more violent fantasies cross my mind as adequate recompense for Tom. I am as jealous as hell! As she twists and shimmies back up, Tom leaps up and they begin what must be the most outrageous dance to ever occur on a Starfleet vessel. Spirits of my father! No wonder this is a no images, no talking party. Both are out of control. Although there is no inappropriate touching, and trust me, I'm watching like a hawk ready to swoop in, the dance resembles nothing so much as a memory or promise of sex. It could not be more suggestive if they were actually to get down on the dance floor. The dancing girls of Risa are put to shame by their movements. Hell, the Orion pleasure girls would learn a trick or two here. I am so hot at the moment I could just rip them apart and carry her away. It is taking all my self control just to stay in this seat. Harry is having the vapours and chanting over and over again 'dance lessons'. As if!

The way they move their bodies around each other, with total confidence and lack of caution and I am sure they have been lovers. The thought shocks me, I am totally rigid, totally focused and very angry. Has she played me for a fool all these years? My mind jumps to see tom kiss her, sweep his fingers over her, taste her... this is pure torture, and I am caught between jealousy and desire. In their dance I can see multiple assignations, a knowledge of how well to please and tease each other. At some point they must have been sophisticated lovers, and it drives me insane. I cannot get the image of her grinding down on his face from the forefront of my mind, and I know with sick certainty they have done this a multiple of times. I note how careful they are to not actually touch, as she undulates a micron away from him. As much as a turn on her movements are, I take a moment to recognise that Tom is just as skilled in this exceptionally… powerful… danceform, and most of the women on voyager are eyeing the couple too.

I am imagining storming out, dragging Seven with me and seeking release – unworthy thought that this might be, and clearly something i would never act on – when B'Elanna taps my clenched fists. Stopping myself only just from swinging them without reason, I look into her eyes of compassion. ' A long time in their past, old man. You need to just trust this. She loves you. If it bothers you, claim her. This – she waves her arm at the pair – is just fun, letting off steam, making out for you. She will bring him straight back to me. Not on voyager, not in their present or future, she sees only you' . My growl at B'Elanna is not coherent, even I have no idea what words I would convey. 'don't ask chakotay, don't talk, don't think, let me tell you another time, its not for now' she begs me. My eyes fix back onto the dancers, imaging Kathryn with me, that dreamy half look she has caught in the music instead focused on me, her hips gyrating against mine, her ass pressing against my groin, my face between her thighs, my tongue tasting her. Spirits! What am I doing. I am acting like a testosterone filled teen. I close my eyes to battle my mind and body under control, rather than betraying me. A few breaths and I open, after the wild cheering ceases, to find Kathryn approaching our table. She is bringing an eager Tom back on cue, and taking Miral. I hardly notice whilst Tom and B'Elanna drag each other away with heat in their eyes. I only have eyes for one woman. One impossible, captivating, frustrating, desirable woman. My body and mind shout 'mine' . A feral half grin comes unbidden, I stand up to be claimed by her at last, and she gives me a complete toe curling once over. Game on, and I am playing For Keeps. There will be no more dancing tonight except with me. She places miral on her hip, gives me a small nod of complete understanding, and sensuously turns and starts to sashay away for me to follow without question.

I begin to follow, but find I am suddenly drenched, head to waist in champagne, and turn to find Seven with an empty bottle in her hand. She has returned with the drink then. Her steely eyes are glittering as she denounces me as the worst date of all time, and discontinues our relationship forthwith. I have been playing her, toying with her affections and not at all considerate, as she had expected from her hologram practice. Damn but there is that hologram reference again, what is that? Also, I don't understand the scene, we had pre-agreed this was the final date in the cargo bay? All eyes turn to us, except Kathryn who is subsumed by half the voyager women, cooing over Miral. Clearly Kathryn is much more approachable with the baby than B'Elanna. Even as i should be focusing on Seven and the ridiculousness of my situation, my thoughts are still wandering, and I am wishing that that was our chubby boy baby in her arms, i can see him so clearly. As Seven denounces me, all I can feel is the largest sense of relief. The vacillation between these two heavenly bodies is truly over. It is time to throw myself into the singularity with Kathryn, dive in and never be apart again. I have treated Seven badly, and if we had stayed in the delta quadrant, it would have been worse, as I would have forced something to half work that should never had been tried. I apologise sincerely to Seven, who refuses to listen, and the doctor scuttles to her side. She allows herself to be walked away with his arm proprietally around her waist. Good for him. At some point we will need to talk, and I will have to do a better apology, but currently there is just one woman in my sight, and my field of vision consists entirely of Kathryn.

I would finally follow after her, but Harry holds me back. I am in no mood to be held back now, I am a bull in must and Kathryn's smell is in my mind. He is more insistent. 'Clean up' he demands,' then go to win her, she isn't to be a second prize now Seven has rejected you. make this count!' . With a last desperate look at Kathryn, I agree with his counsel, when did Harry get so wise? I race back to my quarters to plan my campaign. Hope fills me.


	8. Chapter 8

I have a quick sonic shower, and grab my maquis trousers and shirt from the cupboard. i am all action. I have done too much thinking today, and found it confused me, and I lost sight of my true priorities, tangled in believed honour and duty and shame, I nearly lost all that I had hoped for. With some relief, she has given me another chance, and this time I will take advantage. I am going to make sure that there are minimal options to talk further. I dress in the trousers, which are tighter than I remembered, but show me to an advantage, and the linen shirt, which I only button the last few, tucked in loosely. I smirk at my reflection, knowing that this is Kathryn's favourite outfit.

I check that the music I am after is programmed into the holodeck for my entrance. I am definitely making a scene! My inner panther is loping free. Kathryn, i can track you, I will catch you. Be in no doubt that I am utterly serious. I stride back towards the holodeck, fully confident. Kathryn, shortly you will be in my arms. I pick up speed, half running as I make my way towards destiny. Actually, the sudden freedom of knowing our future has arrived is glorious. I ask the spirits to guide my steps. The holodeck is before me, and I start the music. It is a high energy, drum heavy celebration dance for us, former maquis. It is time to make it a celebration dance for Voyager. We are a blended crew, and something of the maquis is in all of us. As I walk in, in full captain mode, I see that my original crew have made it into the centre of the dancefloor. I smile proudly. I am proud, damn proud of how we all made it over the last seven years, how we have become one team, one family. I stride through them punching the air, and they start to jump and punch to the beat too. we weave in and out of each other, and I come to face Kathryn. I tell her it is a maquis celebration dance, and i notice the starfleeters are joining in too. Kathryn is pretty much drooling in her chair, as I dance something related to an ancient tribal dance for her. I had hoped she would get up and dance, but i need to persuade her, I drag her out of the chair, and in a moment of mischief, decide that i will start the shoulder variant. She climbs aboard, gripping her thighs against my neck as I stand and then jump to the beat. I can hear her laugh. I can feel her, soft skin against me, well honed muscles clenching against me. My grin must be splitting my face. I laugh to and race Kathryn in to the centre of the dancefloor, where we jostle, hug, slap the other dancers, still with the beat. She is jiggling on my shoulder, and i am acutely aware of her surrounding me.

As i look to the side i forget my intention, caught instead by the white of her thigh, i cant help but give a kiss, which turns into something more prolonged as desire mixed with the exhilaration from the dance tempts me to push. Hmmm, the smell of her so close. I realise that she has not objected to the kiss, as inappropriate as it is. I realise that somehow we have already passed that moment between friends and lovers without any waymarkers. i laugh to myself, seven years and a day of angst, and somehow, here we are. I let her down in front of me and wait for her move. I have loved her for so long, I want her unequivocally to have the choice to choose me. I take a breath as I look at her, and she steps forwards. She steps so close that i can feel the warmth of her against my chest. She lifts up her chin and I smile as i move towards a kiss. This kiss is not as a response to anger, despair, desperation. This kiss is an acknowledgement of unwavering love, commitment and joining bring my lips down on hers with triumphant joy. Feeling her kissing me as passionately as I have ever dreamed. We are falling together through the event horizon into the singularity. i hold happiness and peace in my arms, and i will not be letting this go. Against al the odds, I am standing here with my dreams made flesh, my hopes and desires incarnated. I am whole again. She, that most wonderful of women, pulls me closer and shifts one hand to directly over my heart. I am branded by the touch, it sets me afire. I adjust our stance so that we are standing as closely joined as it is possible to do, yet it isn't enough, I hitch her higher against me, it still isn't enough. I trace down her spine with my fingers and finally nestle my hand against her. I hold her firmly to assure myself that this is finally real, no dream or illusion but fantasy made flesh. I need to feel her ever closer, subsume our individuality Into one living breathing duality, two hearts that beat for each other, two minds teasing and cherishing each other, two bodies to pleasure each other. One soul. . I just need to be as close to her as I can, no stray photon can pass between us yet it still isn't enough. I need her closer still, Ilift her higher and start moving, moving out of here to somewhere we can press skin against skin, where i can cover her in kisses, worship her body and abase myself before our love. I need, I desire, I want, and there is surety that this is reciprocated, by her press against my hardness, her moan of pleasure.

I have been so caught up in Kathryn, it is only when she pulls back that I realise the noise around us. voyager is reverberating with the cheers and goodnatured commentary that the crew are using to encourage our union. I am so sure that she will run, that protocols and barriers will slam up faster than Borg shield remodulates. I am preparing myself for heartbreak having only just found my paradise. hesitantly I break my hold and place her back on the ground, releasing slightly. I beseech her with my eyes, putting all my words there. Love, all I can offer. Finally fully give in and take me, Kathryn, as your soulmate, your lover, take everything of me. She smiles and leans with me. We dance slowly and gently to the soft love song playing. It could have been written for us. I pour all the words of love saved in my heart into her ear. Deluging her with my affection, drowning us in the sonnets of my desire. We dance, closer and closer until we feel as one again. I cannot help but kiss her, gently on the forehead and she pulls me down to kiss her cheek, her neck and she tells me directly she loves me. She loves me as much as i love her, as much as I have always loved her.

she tells me it is time to leave, the desire is rising again as the soft dance fades away. I need no second reminder, and sweep her into my arms to carry her out, but she is always ahead and the transporter captures us and deposits us in her lounge. i go to make a joke about her command codes, but she is all seriousness. ' no talking Chakotay, show me your love' her delicate hands make easy work to my shirt buttons, slipping her arms underneath. Feeling her skin against my skin, i start to appreciate her seriousness. I am rapt with desire, our seven year painstakingly slow dance has come to its end. As she pulls at my leather pants and sets me free i place kiss after kiss on her hair, forehead, cheeks and then lips. I rain my love on her. She lifts herself back into my arms, and I find that i have walked across to the bulkhead after all, to gain purchase against it. Kathryn in my arms, her hands stroking and encouraging, her dress not providing hindrance for me. As I slide into her warmth, it is as if i am returning home, it is a moment so powerful, that the nearest I can explain it is as if i were being reborn through this act of worship. I try and control speed and tempo, it has been a long time for both of us. Kathryn has no such patience, encouraging me, exhorting me for faster, deeper, harder. I an a good first officer, and repsond exactly as ordered, findng it harder to control my desire just to pound until the eternal flame bursts over me. I clutch her, moving one hand from cupping her ass to slipping between, I can feel where I am thrusting, and provide additional pressure on the perineum. She immediately responds, gasping, and bucking against me as she starts towards her release, and I am free now to relax the poor control I have and throw myself fully into desire, sensation and existence in the pure physical nature of long desired sex.

We hold each other as we catch our breath. I am rather ashamed that my own desire overwhelmed any ability to draw this out to a transcendent moment, worthy of our long courtship. instead I have ignored the opportunity for exquisite ecstasy building from slow and gradual anticipation, and replaced it with torid and frenzied lovemaking. But it did feel good, and I cannot quite believe that all this fruitless hoping has finally led me here. I can feel the scratches Kathryn must have given me, and I am concerned that I may well have bruised her. Her head is resting against my chest, and I am torn between just admitting out loud how wonderful it was, or apologise for my less than assured mastery. I drop a kiss on her hair, avoiding the tiara which is still in place, and she looks up, with tears streaking down her face, but the largest of smiles. 'Woah, Kathryn, I am sorry, did i hurt you?' and she laughs, she is happy. They are tears of joy, and the world is truly wonderful. I laugh with her and kiss her all he more. i don't think i will ever voluntarily have enough or give enough kisses. She puts her hands up to push me away and drops her feet to the ground. ' i think, sweetheart, that we both may be somewhat overdressed for the moment'

She presses a catch on her dress and it slips off into a green puddle on the floor. I see I have torn her lace panties in our frenzied love making, and she grins as she shimmies out. She moves into the centre of the room, back lit by earths moon, and slowly turns around. 'Will I do Chakotay? Older, maybe wiser?' I can hardly breathe. She is beautiful and desirable and more than both of those, I love her. she is also naked before me and I am less spent than I thought, the possibilities of the night are calling to me. ' I love all of you so much that when I see you I see perfection. You are my Kathryn, older and wiser, and all mine.' I see love and humour, I will have to persuade her of her beauty, but the response of my body is unmistakeable and I shrug off my torn shirt and my half off leathers. ' and me, Kathryn? Somewhat worn, less toned than I was? Am I what you want?' Her grin answers me, and we are drawn again together to kiss. ' tell me, my love, what do you like? I tremble again, desperate to show her all the care and love I can lavish on her. Her grin widens and she kisses me deeply. 'Taste me'. As always, I obey.


	9. Chapter 9

'taste me' she says, grinning widely. Fuck, yes, that is a command that i can obey. i have imagined this moment so often in fantasy, and certainly watching her hot dance with Tom earlier. I come close and kiss her again passionately, and then circle around her, allowing my body to brush against her, we both shiver at the touch, I can't believe that i am aroused again so soon. Spirits, she feels like satin against me, and cool, and yet the heat that fires through me as our skin finally meets is the scorch of electricity. She lets a moan as I kiss and lave her neck, behind her ear, the nape of her neck, nudging her hair to the side, my hands move independently, caressing her gently curved belly, and the firm muscles contract beneath. this is the body of a fighter as well as dancer. My hands move upwards as i finish the circling standing behind her, working on the alternate shoulder and neck. She moans softly and pushes her pert bottom backwards against me, gently swivelling hips from side to side, dancing just for me to the pulsing beat of our hearts and the melody of our desire. Spirits, but I love her, it is taking all my strength to continue taking this slowly, after all we both so conspicuously failed with our wild fucking against the bulkheads. my hand lifts to the underside of one breast and the other continues to curve down over her belly, the small swell of her pubic bone and her moans get louder. 'taste me' he breathes. I sink to my knees slowly, kissing, licking and trailing my tongue down her spine as it arches against me. as i sink down her ass is against my face and i lave along the whole tempting crack as she judders against me. Her seductive twisting and slow circling of her hips continues, and i lave and kiss her inner thighs, my hands now holding her hips, and i turn her round to face me. oh Spirits, as I stroke across her firm buttocks my face is exactly where I have dreamed. She holds my head and strokes my tattoo, my face, and presses me closer. Smelling her, it is so tempting to press my face against her, to taste her liquid well of delight, to cause her to scream with desire as I suck and tease her clit, but instead i kiss and lick going upwards, starting at her curls and moving to swirl around her navel as she groans her dismay. 'anticipation, Kathryn, anticipation' I murmur. we both know that the build of anticipation in desire makes the release all the greater, the enjoyment more powerful.

I return to standing and bending down, lift her and gently carry her to her bed. 'Spirits, kathryn, but you are so beautiful.' She lays before me, a nymph of fire, her skin the cool white fire of stars, and her hair the licking flames of passion, and her smile, her half smile is enough to explode planets. I grin down at her, and start back kissing her forehead, her eyes, allowing myself to plunge into the depths of her mouth, as her arms reach up to pull me back down against her, i move down licking her neck, her sternum, threading the delicate path between the curves of her breasts, laving the underneath before rounding back to a firm nipple. I surround it and whilst i have a mouthful of Kathryn, my hands are also continuing the exploring of her shape, her hollows, the places that make her moan. 'chakotay' the name is an endearment, a command. Spirits, I can bear it no longer and moving to kneeling between her thighs, I lift her up by her hips and truly taste her. I am like a man who has been in the desert for too long and reaches an oasis. I cannot stint myself, but lap, suck and lave her depths, swirling my tongue up to her hard nub and then back to the centre. I feel her begin to tremble again, her moans turn to shouts of encouragement, shouts of love, commands of desire, and we are both swept away. Her orgasm pulses through her, wracking her body in huge upheaval, the after shocks radiating out from the epicentre, where I still am, a parched man taking his fill of the ambrosia that Kathryn so generously gives. Spirits, i had no concept after all of the joy our union would bring, both in the physical and in the spiritual. my pleasure from giving Kathryn this release is unmeasurable. i am attuned to her through seven years of training, seven years of picking up intonation, body language and subtle shifts. I am putting all this unconsciously acquired information to my tactical advantage. to our advantage. I sense even before she starts to come down that it is time to change my approach. I lift my head up and look into her blue eyes, at her half smile and she tells me that she has touched the heavens and sits up. She has her eyes focused on me, and I cannot evade her gaze, honesty, love and desire, and i kneel up too, and she pushes me back gently, 'so chakotay' sensuously kneeling across me, so close, holding my face in her hand, her words breath touching my lips. 'so chakotay, what would be your pleasure?'

My pleasure, my pleasure is living in this moment, in lifting Kathryn onto me, gently letting her sink onto my eager cock, sliding slowly over me, subsuming me. I catch my breath, as she does too. i am fully sheathed in kathryn, we are both still, adjusting, sensing, my arms close around her as hers are around me. forehead rests upon forehead and I ask the spirits of my father to bless our union. 'this, Kathryn, this gives me pleasure' and i place a gentle kiss on her lips which naturally deepens, and our bodies start to slowly undulate. Kathryn shows me just how those hip swirling movements give slow burn pleasure to both of us, the gyration and slight elevation providing exquisite pleasure, and that her muscle control is not limited to those used in dance. Although I have always thought that in making love, it has been my gift to give, the gift of pleasure, here it is clearly Kathryn's. Her gift of love, desire, controlled tension building. gradually her movements become less restrained, and the control required by both of us to continue this slowburn explosion becomes harder and harder to maintain. the tantric experience is enhanced by the gentle flutter of her hands around me, finding the most sensitive areas, and her gentle kisses and whispered endearments. This is very truly my pleasure. She whispers that she can't hold on much longer, and her breathing is changing, and listening to her, i realise i want to spend all my future nights sharing this pleasure. I increase my pressure too, thrusting in synchronicity with her complex movements, and as passion reclaims us i find that my whispered words are shouts, that my force is such that we finally overbalance from our interlocked kneeling and our lovemaking explodes into passionate wildness, racing to our combined climax. The force of it hits me that even with shouting her name to the spirits, and hearing mine torn from her I still feel that for a portion of time I have floated free from earthly constraints and our souls have intertwined. I feel that when i rejoin my body, slumping down beside her with declarations of love, that a portion of me now resides within her, and that with me, I will always have a portion of her soul. Holding her small frame against me, all i can do is breathe until my heart rate slows. She recovers more quickly and quips 'well that, Chakotay, was the transcendent version' and she is laughing in my arms. 'i am sorry, it is just that i am so very happy' and despite the gravity and wonder of our lovemaking, i find i am laughing with her.

I am exhausted, and I am sure she must be too, defeating the borg and one hell of a party as well as the prep days before, i doubt she has slept much either, in fact i can see that she is starting to drift off in my arms. 'shower Kathryn, then sleep' she mutters at this, and suddenly she turns from adept lover, holder of my heart into recalcitrant child, requiring coaxing. in truth i have no objections to staying within her arms, her snuggling against me and drifting asleep together. however, years of red alerts have conditioned me to only sleeping in a state that i can dress quickly. She negates this, 'we are in the alpha quadrant chakotay, we can shower in the morning' and she peeps at me with a smirk 'together'. She snuggles closer and soon is sleeping, clearly this is the cure of her insomnia, and smiling as i kiss her hair and close my own eyes, i give thanks that this day has seen the sum of my hopes realised, that the woman in my arms is indeed the measure of my dreams.

-0-0-0-

 _i hope i have brought a little resolution to chakotay and now he can be content._


End file.
